5 Things Every Smart Woman Must Possess/Own

It feels like forever since I was last on the blogosphere. I want to try a short remedy this morning as my active academic focus is hitting a mental block. This is to decompress #sohelpmeGod.

 

********************************************************************

So, as a woman/lady/girl, you hear all the time what other people think you should do, shouldn’t do, act or should not act like, speak or not speak like, become or not become. The question keeps floating around your head #TobeOrnotTobe.

I’d say, #BE. Be everything you want to be and more, be yourself, be your depressed self, be your unhappy self, be your impulsive self, then be your best self. #BeYou. #BeWhoeverYouWannaBe. Own it. It’s all you and you don’t owe anyone any apologies for being you.

So, 5 things I feel every woman/lady/female should own/possess/have at every point in her adult life are these….

  1. Her own Man: Yes honey, I know all the feminists be ready to burst my head because I say every female should have her own man. But hey, hear me out first. Own your man. Be it in the capacity of that great friend, a fuckboi, a tease, a flirt, a handy-man, a main-squeeze, a booty-call, a husband, a prince-charming, a rescuer, and for my girls on the hustle, an ATM. Okay. whatever that man represents in your life, make sure you be owning him because you want to, because he fits into your plan. Don’t let anyone walk/talk/push you into something you don’t want.
  2. Her Own Money: Yes Lady, you need to have a lil’money of your own put away for emergencies. Be it ‘hike money’, or ‘vex money’ for when you are on a date and he is being a total a**hole. But importantly, you need some money of your own that can tide you over for a few months, at least three for when you have to quit a bad relationship or for emergencies we all can’t imagine right now.
  3. Her Own Mind: Girl, you need to have a mind of your own. You should be able to take your own decisions. When you are all alone and everything seems meh, take a minute, close your eyes, be still and listen to that lil voice inside of you. we all have that voice. No, not the one that says call Eric for a quick booty-call on your day off from work scheduled for your girls. No, not that voice. The other calm lil voice that sometimes tells you ‘girl, don’t even look at his face. This dude is bad news’ as soon as that cute guy said ‘hey’ and you said ‘hello’. Even though he looked alright. Listen to that voice, take your decision and stick with it regardless.
  4. Her Own Place: If you are not married or in a committed relationship, girl, get your own place. There’s no point living in a tenement or living with 20 other people when you are an adult. Don’t live in borrowed space. You need to practice for the real world. To be honest, living by yourself limits the amount of friction with other people especially if you have OCD or just plain like your things a particular way. Live by yourself, grow your own mind.
  5. Her Go-to bag/purse: Well, what can I tell you ladies. If you do not already own this item, you should get to it immediately. Your go-to bag is that bag/purse that has the magic qualities of transforming you. How? It holds that one make-up accessory that you can’t do without because it lights up your face – mascara, glam gloss, brow filler or glam lipstick. This bag/purse also holds all you need for an overnight trip to wherever you need to be. This bag/purse is also cute enough to act as a day purse for when you empty things out on a short trip and need a purse to use on a date or an job appointment.

There you go. The 5 things every female needs.

LIES WOMEN TELL #7

S(ex) N(udity) L(anguage)

Loud knocking on the big green gate brings Lara’s friend to peep through the gap. Seeing a tall, slim built, brown skinned young man twiddle his key nervously. She looks at the wall, it was 9am. Lara was catching some sleep but somehow she could just tell that this man was Lara’s cup of tea.

She gave him a good second look, allowing the drapes fall back against the wall as she walks towards the gate. A closer look never hurt anybody.

Now, this looked more like what she would approve for Lara – all this raw sexuality and animal magnetism. Yes, this was a better pick for her.

“Hello! How may I help you?” she feigned cluelessness

“Good morning” he smiled charmingly at her “I live in the neighborhood and came to pick Lara yesterday. I apologize for not coming inside to say ‘hello’”, he said, pausing for her to react. This one was a cool cucumber he thought when she maintained a blank stare

“I’d like to see Lara if she is at home” he said

“Oh yea…..Lara……hmmn….she is still asleep. You can come inside though, I’ll wake her”

“You don’t need to wake her. I can come back later.” he began to protest

“Oh no. she needs to be up anyway. It is late enough already and I insist”

“Alright then. Thank you”, he said allowing himself to be ushered inside

The living room was painted a solid green, with white windows, white drapes and a dark green fluffy rug in the middle of the room. It looked more like a guy’s pad. He turned his head to survey the other part of the room and there she stood watching him.

“You like?”, she queried bluntly, devoid of any emotion.

“I do. I could see myself living here”, he enthused trying to get a pleased smile

“Don’t get attached”, she replied, walking away.

He did not know what it was about this one but he was not his usual calm and all-knowing self right now. He gave himself a mental shake settling his gaze on the painting across the room unsure what it was supposed to represent – the dilemma of abstract painting – was it a female bending over a grindstone or was it just a female on the floor in labor!

The door behind him opens as he feels someone inhale sharply and approach.

“Malik?”, something unsure in the way she called the name.

“Great to see you too” he replies smoothly.

“Are you sure about that? Last time I saw you…My friend didn’t tell me who it was”, she frowned.

Not allowing her complete the sentence, he voiced quickly.

“The last time you saw me, I was trying to save my mum’s life and was under insane pressure to get to her fast”

“Really?”

“Yes. Really. My mum is asthmatic and has infrequent but serious attacks. This one happened in the bathroom and she was hospitalized. I just came from the hospital where I spent the night.”

“Oh dear!”, she was beginning to soften “How is he now?”, she asked, alarmed.

“She Lara, She is stable”, he emphasized the she to make her understand her error. “They took her off the oxygen. She was asleep when I left her”

“Oh dear!”, Lara sounded genuinely alarmed now-“I’m so sorry to hear that but who is with her at the hospital incase she wakes up?”

“Her maid is there?”

“Her maid? None of your siblings is there?”, her features gave her surprise away quickly.

“I am an only child”

“Oh dear! Come here you poor baby and here I was thinking….oh never mind what I was thinking”, she moved closer and enveloped him in a warm hug.

He was relieved she had been easy. He had imagined she would sulk, pout and refuse to be reasonable.

“Thank you for understanding” he murmured

“Yea well. I came straight home after you dropped me off but we had a late night with my girlfriend watching movies and swapping girl talk that’s why I was sleeping in late and besides, it is the weekend eh?”, she explained and took a seat beside him, looking straight into his eyes, an action he found daring and unsettling.

“So when are you going back to the hospital?” she asks

“I was thinking, I would first make peace with you, go to the office to see if anything urgent was left on my desk, get lunch and head to the hospital”.

“Oh nice! I wish I could come with you to see her and wish her a quick recovery but I have to go into town for a friend’s housewarming. All our friends are going and one of them is picking us up here. Too bad I won’t be able to go with you”.

“That’s okay. I would be rushing everywhere anyway and may be too distracted to be a good companion. Let’s see later tonight?” he pleads

“8ish?”

“Yea, eight works for me”

**********************************************************************************

“I like this one”.

Lara jumped out of her reverie. She had been lost in thoughts of last night with Dele and the what-ifs. Pulling herself together, she responded.

“You always like the good looking ones” she teased

“No. this one is different. He actually was sensitive enough to come explain himself to you. Not many men in Abuja care enough to do that. He is different” her friend replied.

“Hmmn”

“Is that all this is worth? A damn hmmn?”

“What would you have me say? He is okay. Yes, he is a looker but he is still a man. An Abuja guy at that and you know what that means”, she finally turned to fix her friend with a look

“Don’t look at me that way. Even if he is an Abuja man, I am telling you this one is different. Will you just trust me about this?”

“Hmmn, like I trusted you the last time shey?” irritated, she walks back to the room. Her friend follows.

A car pulls up to the front of the big green gate sometime after noon with loud music blaring out of its speakers. The driver with a hat almost covering his eyes, places his hand over the horn and leaves it there for 2 minutes, full blast. Perhaps it was a pre-arranged signal because soon enough, the gate opens and Lara gets inside with her friend behind her. A quick hug and a couple of ‘hellos’ later, they were on their way.

“So, where do you girls wanna go?” their male companion asks

“Where do you wanna take us?” Lara says

“Well, I had assumed it would be just you and I but now your friend is here, I suggest we pick up Alex so we can turn it up a little”

Lara giggles in response, stifling it immediately at her friend’s stern look. Recalling the last time all four of them had gone out to the pool and Alex had openly commented on Sandra’s huge breasts, she had been slightly annoyed with him.

Alex was a fun person who would simply say the first thing that came to his head. Half of the time, he didn’t even remember he said them because he meant nothing by them. He would be surprised when they picked him up and Sandra gave him the cold treatment because he must have forgotten about their last encounter.

Sandra was not a recluse. She was just too selective – friends, food, men – in everything. She would turn up her nose at anything that does not neatly fit into her schedule or her already established principles and guidelines. She would turn up her nose at a cute guy she was admiring 5 minutes ago if he looked at her sideways. She was sensitive about her big boobs which on her slim frame, looked all the more prominent.

That annoying Alex is going to come along soon and stare at my boobs all evening. Consciously or unconsciously, I have no idea. I could swear I saw him stare and lick his lips last time. God he is so annoying! Sandra groused

“Hey Alex, we are on our way to the Sand bar to pick you up. You are still there eh?” he paused to listen

“Fine then. We will be there in 5” tossing the phone to Lara, he nods at her to hang up. Alex already did

***********************************************************************************

Kissing her for the first time. All the reluctance she had imagined in her head melted away and she soon found herself responding to his skillful delving tongue. Seems he was searching for something he lost inside he mouth. Oh there it was. He found and latched onto her tongue mimicking a gentle sucking, like a baby on his first try of his mother’s milk. His alternate sucking on her tongue and biting gently on her lips began to awaken something she thought she had lost deep down inside her. She held onto his shoulders weakly and swore to herself never to lose the elusive feeling. He pulled away abruptly and she cried out sharply opening her eyes. She hadn’t even realized they had drifted close.

Purring like a kitten holding out for more warm milk, she reaches for his collar as she makes to pull him back into her space. He comes willingly and they continue a deep exploration of tongue, lips and teeth. Pop! Pop! Pop! Zip! Divesting each other of unnecessary fabrics, they cling to each other feverishly running his hands over her pert breasts and curvaceous buttocks simultaneously. Pausing to admire him in the dim light of the kitchen, she could not believe he was naked beneath her palms. All 5”11 of gorgeous hulk.

Lifting her onto the marble counter, it felt cold on her back. He bends over, places a fleeting kiss on her flat stomach, splatters some more on his trip down to his place of worship, nips playfully on her inner thigh enjoying her response before moving centerfold to pay tribute to her womanliness. Her hand digs into his thick hair, she arches her back, her lips part slightly to allow a strangled moan escape. It seemed all this while, her talents had been hibernating. He flicks his tongue again, lightly grazing his teeth on her tiny nub and she moans deeply mumbling his name epileptically. She was this close to the gates of heaven. Then he stopped. She almost fainted. Guiding her to the edge of the counter with her weave spilling all over her chest and shoulders, randomly shielding her breast, he groans, dipping his head to capture one of her nipples in his warm mouth teasing her mercilessly until she clung to him weakly. He could barely hear her begging. Her sex voice was so husky and low it was fuel to his drive.

She was purring in earnest now as she lay on the front seat. The driver looked ahead, targeted one of the few potholes he could find and rushed into it. The impact jolted her awake to find the driver looking at her askance. ‘Dang! Twas just a stupid wasteful dream’

“You okay?” he asked

“Yea sure. Ain’t we at the Sand bar yet?”, she asked casually.

If you enjoyed this episode of LWT, please drop a comment to let the writer know and to encourage this series…….. Thankee

LIES WOMEN TELL EPISODE #3

Episode #3

As they sat enjoying their midday meal, her phone rings.

She picks it up, glances at the screen, drops it again with an apologetic smile at Malik. He was wearing a blank face which in her experience doesn’t begin to translate into ‘i don’t care who is calling you’.

Smiling at him again, she decides she din’t owe him an explanation. They continue with their food. She finishes first.

“Ta-da!” she pronounces sticking her tongue out at him

Scrunching up his face, “I wasn’t aware we were racing. I would have put in my best” he teases back as he swallows the last morsel on his plate.

“Shall we?” She says already standing to her feet

raising an eyebrow in surprise “What’s the rush?” he inquires “won’t you allow our food to digest or you just want to discharge me so you can pick your calls?”

“Aha! there it was finally” she says to herself. Men just didn’t know when to ignore. Deciding to torment him, she selectively responds.

“My food takes forever to digest. Are we going to sit here forever then?”

Malik realizes what was happening but unable to stop himself

“You know very well that part isn’t important. Why are you avoiding the real question?”

“Because it is not soup talk” came her reply

She watched his brows climb further as his face came together in the semblance of a frown. She could not help thinking if  those brows climbed any higher or his face scrunched any tighter, one of them may start crying from the effort. On second thoughts, it was good his face was so flexible she told herself.

“It is nothing serious to discuss. Just a friend that saw my status on BBM and is calling to confirm. You know those sort of people that never call you unless there’s gossip…..?” she explains

“sooka!” he says

“What’s that?”

“Japanese for ‘I see”

“haha are you even sure there’s anything like that…?” she teases, stopping at his hurt look.

“Are you always this sensitive or is this just your ‘puppy look’ for women?”

He makes another puppy face at her and she couldn’t help laughing and shaking her finger at him.

“You are incorrigible. Shall we?” Lara asks him again

He sighs and gets to his feet grabbing the car keys off the table simultaneously. It was as they walked to the door she realized he neatly sidestepped her question and she still didn’t know the answer to it nor could she stop wondering about it. She didn’t even know the basest things about him yet!

‘what did he like to eat or drink?’ he seemed to have no preferences thus far. Some men would have used to opportunity to eat like they were starving. She wondered if they imagined that was an impressive feat a woman would admire.

‘Is he married?’ she began to wonder then stopped and firmly told herself it was none of her business. She was simply passing time in the city and he was being a wonderful escort.

The sound of the doors unlocking alerted her to the fact that they had arrived at the car.

“welcome back” he said seeing her startled face

“oh thank you” sarcastically

The doors click shut again as he pulls out of the parking lot. He turns to her barring all his teeth in a scary grin.

“I got you under lock and key now”

“HElPpppp HelllPPPp he is taking me where I do not know!” she pretends to yell in a hoarse voice

They both laugh.

“What now?” she asks him all fired up for whatever adventures he had planned for her

Looking at her eager face, Malik decides to spend more of his busy time with her so he could keep watching her face light up.

“What do you wanna do next? Any place you want to visit?”

“Me?” incredulously “Where do I know in your city!”

“Alright then. I’ll just take you to one of my favorite places”

“Where? Tell me. pleaseeeee” as he stubbornly shakes his head “please now. please. pretty please” she pleads batting her non-existent lashes at him

He finds himself laughing and gave in.

“It is supposed to be a ta-da surprise but since you insist on unwrapping your present before Xmas…….”

“Oh! just tell me already!” she pounces again

He laughs again “The place is called Art and that’s all am going to say”

“pleaseeeee pweety pleaseeee. Tell me what they do there. What are we going to see there? please”

“What do you think you will see there? It is the Art Place. Art! What else do you imagine would be there? Monkeys? Although that’s a possibility too”

“Monkeys! Noooooooo they jump at girls. I don’t wanna go to the monkey place” came her response

They were still laughing when his phone rings and after three curt monologues, he turns the car back towards the direction they had been coming from. His facial muscles had all tightened up and he had a distant blank look on his face.

She was still processing the sudden change and didn’t know how to inquire.

“What’s the matter?” finally

“Am sorry we will have to go to the Art Place some other time. I’ll call you tomorrow if am free again” neatly sidestepping her question

“What part of town are you headed now?”

“Maitama” shortly

“Nice. Just drop me at the junction. I can take a taxi from there”

“I hope you don’t mind? Am so sorry. Would have taken you back home but something came up” he wouldn’t say more

“of course something came up. An idiot could figure that out already duhhhh!” she thinks in her head

“It’s no problem at all” was what came out instead

He pulls up to the junction, she steps out of the car and he hurries off in a cloud of dust not even waiting to return her wave.

“how rude!” she thinks again “what even came up sef? maybe his wife is in labor and they called him from the hospital…..maybe his wife fell from the staircase and had a miscarriage….maybe…. oh whatever! it is not even my business so I wonder why am in his business!”

Bringing out her phone, she dials the number at the top of her call log.

“Hey sugar!” she croons into the phone

“Hello” came the deep sulk at the other end “I just called you about 20 mins back and you didn’t pick my call. I know you saw it and just didn’t pick it.”

“Nope. If i saw it, why won’t i pick? I was in the bathroom. I came out and saw your missed call”

“I explained when you called in the morning complaining of boredom that I was headed for a meeting and would try and get out of it as soon as I could. Is that why you didn’t want to pick my call?” He persists

“I told you already I was in the bath when you called. Am I not calling you back now?” beginning to get irritated

“ok. ok. Where are you now?”

“Somewhere in Maitama” came her reply

“What are you doing in Maitama?” automatically

Rolling her eyes, she takes a deep breath to calm the auto-response ‘Go fuck yasef’ instead this came out

“I came to the MTN office. I have been having issues loading recharge cards lately. Remember that was why I asked you to do a VTU for me two days ago” she says smoothly

“Yea ok. Should I come pick you there?”

“If you can. Are you still at work?”

“Where else would I be at this time of the day? It’s not even 3pm yet”

“Alright. I will be waiting at that eatery we ate the last time. Please don’t be long. You know how I hate to wait…”

“Especially for men” he completes the sentence and smiles

Smiling, she disconnects the call pleased with herself. Walking to the intersection, she waits for the light to change. After waiting 2 minutes, she looks at the red light again and decides it was probably dysfunctional. She was just arriving at the door of the eatery when a horn blares from behind her.

‘That can’t be him already eh? I have not even had time to check my face in the bathroom and cool down with the AC indoors. Oh shit! Oh well! Here we go’ composing herself, she turns around feigning pleasure and surprise as she recognizes the Nissan Altima pulling up to the entrance.

Getting into the car, “Hey sweets!” she says as he appraises openly

“Good enough for your office?” she asks scooting closer to hug him briefly

“Yep” he replies admiring her waist high navy blue tailored cutoffs, pale pink short sleeve blouse, light jacket and proper shoes – his idea of proper shoes was something comfortably covering the feet, combining moderate heels with a buckle.

He smiles in approval “That’s my girl. You know what I like”

“Yea. I wore them for you” leading him on, she smiles tightly through her teeth

His office was not too far and she knew where they would go afterwards.

LIES THAT WOMEN TELL EPISODE #1

I promised a series of interesting stories about LIES THAT WOMEN TELL. A very tall order I set for myself considering my long vacation from writing.

Lara has been through many things in life so that she now considers herself a cynic. Owing to her varying experiences, in her opinion humans are a very dynamic lot capable of almost anything. Starting out as an innocent, she had changed considerably becoming what the society made her….

EPISODE #1

She looked at her phone ringing for the umpteenth time. She knew it was Malik again without looking at the screen. She had a special ringtone just for him – nothing terrible, just a voice note that says ‘never answer’. He had been a pig in the past even though she had been the freak he wanted in his black bed countless times. These men these days……….shaking her head, she dismissed the thought.

She had met Malik on during a flight into Abuja. She had noticed his phone and couldn’t help but ask him what model it was because it looked similar to a recent one she had been stalking on google. It was a HTC One Max that costs 125 thousand naira. Her magnet automatically recognizes an expensive phone. She gave him a second look. Even Slots in Lagos didn’t have it at the time of her search. Moving close to him…..

“Hello. My name is Lara. I love your phone. Is it an HTC?”

He smiled a deep confident smile and the voice when it came was a pleasing timbre

“yes it is.”

She was beaming at him now. She couldn’t help it “What model is it?”

“It is a HTC One Max” he replies keeping his voice at a teasing low as if it was a real private conversation.

She had to bring her head closer and her voice a decibel lower too

“wow! that’s so cool. Slot in Lagos does not even have it when I checked their website”

“Really?” he asked surprised

“yea. I wanted to leave the Blackberry group and try out an android so I was browsing the Net for good android phones. That’s when I saw the HTC. It’s so sleek….really pretty phone”

“it is but uses a lot of data and as a result, the battery does not last so long because of the updates that come up every few hours. That will exhaust your data and battery too”

“It’s true. I got a small Droid too and the updates and data drove me right back into the arms of Blackberry. Haha”

he smiled again. She was really beginning to feel a twinge of something for his smile and was starting to anticipate it.

“Can I hold your phone for a minute?” she asked

“Sure.”

“Haha I just wanna feel it for a bit to see what I missed by not buying it”

He laughs with her for a spell then takes a second good look at her.

The air hostess passes by “Please stow away your chair tray and turn off your phones. Thank you”

Lara and Malik look at each other, share a secret smile before doing as the hostess asked.

He sounded like an intelligent man plus his good looks, she barely refrained from asking him what his job in Abuja was. Does he even live in Abuja or Lagos? She wondered how to broach the 21 questions running round her head. Wait! she told herself firmly.

He kept looking at her sideways from the convenience of his glasses so it appeared he was focused on the airline magazine opened to the Free miles with Aero page. What was actually going through his mind was surprise that a female in Nigeria would step out of her brazilian wigs and Instagram long enough to absorb some technology. He was impressed and was tempted to ask what she did for a living…..perhaps that would explain it.

He turned towards her with his mouth open to ask her and caught her looking speculatively at him. They both laughed and then he asked.

“Do you live in Lagos or Abuja?” he paused “If you don’t mind me asking”

“I thought you’d never ask.” She laughs a pretty one

“I live everywhere and nowhere for long. For now, I work in Lagos so I live there but when am bored, I visit wherever catches my fancy – Abuja, Port-harcourt, Kano….”

“What do you do? Do you live in Abuja or Lagos yourself?” She asked with interest

“I live in Abuja. I came to Lagos on some business.” He answered

“So……..What do you do?” She persisted

Smiling.

“Guess!”

“Haha usually, I can but in this instance, nothing comes to my mind….”

“Well, I am a negotiator. I facilitate deals, mergers and buy-outs between companies. I work independently” He surmised

“Really! that must be fantastic. How does that work? Sounds like something involving and worthwhile”

“I agree” he chuckles

“Do you love what you do or you just do it for the money or something?”

A brief pause. “Very good question.”

Another pause as if to consider the question

“I believe I love what I do at the moment because both parties are usually satisfied after my team’s negotiations. If either party is dissatisfied, it makes the project unduly long and somebody’s gonna lose some money, usually, the party that is buying because the seller has nothing to lose anymore. He’s already selling. Haha” He explains

“I love what I do” he finishes looking at her quiet face

“And what do you do?” he returns

“Hmmmn actually, right now am out of work. Am a survivor. haha” she tries to suffuse her discomfort with a dry laugh

He senses this and tries to lighten it “Do you sell phone technology? I may buy from you considering your knowledge of phones…”

“Haha” shaking her head  “That was just because I was looking for a phone to buy myself”

“Actually, I am an analyst. I work with data for firms. I also work independently or on projects where expert hands are needed. I go in briefly and leave at the completion of my part.”

“How does that work for you? Leaving at the end of every project? How do you leave a baby you nurtured to someone else?” He was curious

“Oh well! The move is always what keeps me going and I never get attached. It’s easy. I could never survive staying on a project forever. I have the ‘Jumper syndrome’

They both laugh. The hour and half flight was almost gone. The hostess came to take away their empty snack packs and ask them to stow away their chair trays. It was the same hostess from takeoff. They merely smiled at her.

Then came the pilot’s announcement.

“Ladies and gentlemen, we are approaching Nnamdi Azikwe airport. Please put away your phones, laptops and tablets as we prepare for landing. The temperature outside is 35c. Remember to take all your belongings with you as you disembark. We at Aero thank you for flying with us today. Have a pleasant stay in the Capital city.”

He reaches into the overhead bin and helps removes her pink carryon. He hands it over.

“Thank you”

He nods and heads off with his navy blue backpack. As they approach Baggage claim, she taps him on the shoulder.

“Malik, may I have your number?”

Looking at his raised brows, she hastens to explain “just in case am bored or need an expert to negotiate me out of a tight corner. haha. Just in case am bored……” she let it trail off

He reels out a 9 digit number, she pauses with her raised brow waiting for him

“it is incomplete”

He smiles mischievously

“Add an 080 in front of those” and he waves and strolls towards a young man walking briskly and reaching out for his bag while simultaneously bowing towards Malik.

She looked on puzzled. He didn’t look back even once. He just walked into the sun and the waiting gray car by the door.

“Am gonna see this guy again” she promises herself silently.