LIES WOMEN TELL #7

S(ex) N(udity) L(anguage)

Loud knocking on the big green gate brings Lara’s friend to peep through the gap. Seeing a tall, slim built, brown skinned young man twiddle his key nervously. She looks at the wall, it was 9am. Lara was catching some sleep but somehow she could just tell that this man was Lara’s cup of tea.

She gave him a good second look, allowing the drapes fall back against the wall as she walks towards the gate. A closer look never hurt anybody.

Now, this looked more like what she would approve for Lara – all this raw sexuality and animal magnetism. Yes, this was a better pick for her.

“Hello! How may I help you?” she feigned cluelessness

“Good morning” he smiled charmingly at her “I live in the neighborhood and came to pick Lara yesterday. I apologize for not coming inside to say ‘hello’”, he said, pausing for her to react. This one was a cool cucumber he thought when she maintained a blank stare

“I’d like to see Lara if she is at home” he said

“Oh yea…..Lara……hmmn….she is still asleep. You can come inside though, I’ll wake her”

“You don’t need to wake her. I can come back later.” he began to protest

“Oh no. she needs to be up anyway. It is late enough already and I insist”

“Alright then. Thank you”, he said allowing himself to be ushered inside

The living room was painted a solid green, with white windows, white drapes and a dark green fluffy rug in the middle of the room. It looked more like a guy’s pad. He turned his head to survey the other part of the room and there she stood watching him.

“You like?”, she queried bluntly, devoid of any emotion.

“I do. I could see myself living here”, he enthused trying to get a pleased smile

“Don’t get attached”, she replied, walking away.

He did not know what it was about this one but he was not his usual calm and all-knowing self right now. He gave himself a mental shake settling his gaze on the painting across the room unsure what it was supposed to represent – the dilemma of abstract painting – was it a female bending over a grindstone or was it just a female on the floor in labor!

The door behind him opens as he feels someone inhale sharply and approach.

“Malik?”, something unsure in the way she called the name.

“Great to see you too” he replies smoothly.

“Are you sure about that? Last time I saw you…My friend didn’t tell me who it was”, she frowned.

Not allowing her complete the sentence, he voiced quickly.

“The last time you saw me, I was trying to save my mum’s life and was under insane pressure to get to her fast”

“Really?”

“Yes. Really. My mum is asthmatic and has infrequent but serious attacks. This one happened in the bathroom and she was hospitalized. I just came from the hospital where I spent the night.”

“Oh dear!”, she was beginning to soften “How is he now?”, she asked, alarmed.

“She Lara, She is stable”, he emphasized the she to make her understand her error. “They took her off the oxygen. She was asleep when I left her”

“Oh dear!”, Lara sounded genuinely alarmed now-“I’m so sorry to hear that but who is with her at the hospital incase she wakes up?”

“Her maid is there?”

“Her maid? None of your siblings is there?”, her features gave her surprise away quickly.

“I am an only child”

“Oh dear! Come here you poor baby and here I was thinking….oh never mind what I was thinking”, she moved closer and enveloped him in a warm hug.

He was relieved she had been easy. He had imagined she would sulk, pout and refuse to be reasonable.

“Thank you for understanding” he murmured

“Yea well. I came straight home after you dropped me off but we had a late night with my girlfriend watching movies and swapping girl talk that’s why I was sleeping in late and besides, it is the weekend eh?”, she explained and took a seat beside him, looking straight into his eyes, an action he found daring and unsettling.

“So when are you going back to the hospital?” she asks

“I was thinking, I would first make peace with you, go to the office to see if anything urgent was left on my desk, get lunch and head to the hospital”.

“Oh nice! I wish I could come with you to see her and wish her a quick recovery but I have to go into town for a friend’s housewarming. All our friends are going and one of them is picking us up here. Too bad I won’t be able to go with you”.

“That’s okay. I would be rushing everywhere anyway and may be too distracted to be a good companion. Let’s see later tonight?” he pleads

“8ish?”

“Yea, eight works for me”

**********************************************************************************

“I like this one”.

Lara jumped out of her reverie. She had been lost in thoughts of last night with Dele and the what-ifs. Pulling herself together, she responded.

“You always like the good looking ones” she teased

“No. this one is different. He actually was sensitive enough to come explain himself to you. Not many men in Abuja care enough to do that. He is different” her friend replied.

“Hmmn”

“Is that all this is worth? A damn hmmn?”

“What would you have me say? He is okay. Yes, he is a looker but he is still a man. An Abuja guy at that and you know what that means”, she finally turned to fix her friend with a look

“Don’t look at me that way. Even if he is an Abuja man, I am telling you this one is different. Will you just trust me about this?”

“Hmmn, like I trusted you the last time shey?” irritated, she walks back to the room. Her friend follows.

A car pulls up to the front of the big green gate sometime after noon with loud music blaring out of its speakers. The driver with a hat almost covering his eyes, places his hand over the horn and leaves it there for 2 minutes, full blast. Perhaps it was a pre-arranged signal because soon enough, the gate opens and Lara gets inside with her friend behind her. A quick hug and a couple of ‘hellos’ later, they were on their way.

“So, where do you girls wanna go?” their male companion asks

“Where do you wanna take us?” Lara says

“Well, I had assumed it would be just you and I but now your friend is here, I suggest we pick up Alex so we can turn it up a little”

Lara giggles in response, stifling it immediately at her friend’s stern look. Recalling the last time all four of them had gone out to the pool and Alex had openly commented on Sandra’s huge breasts, she had been slightly annoyed with him.

Alex was a fun person who would simply say the first thing that came to his head. Half of the time, he didn’t even remember he said them because he meant nothing by them. He would be surprised when they picked him up and Sandra gave him the cold treatment because he must have forgotten about their last encounter.

Sandra was not a recluse. She was just too selective – friends, food, men – in everything. She would turn up her nose at anything that does not neatly fit into her schedule or her already established principles and guidelines. She would turn up her nose at a cute guy she was admiring 5 minutes ago if he looked at her sideways. She was sensitive about her big boobs which on her slim frame, looked all the more prominent.

That annoying Alex is going to come along soon and stare at my boobs all evening. Consciously or unconsciously, I have no idea. I could swear I saw him stare and lick his lips last time. God he is so annoying! Sandra groused

“Hey Alex, we are on our way to the Sand bar to pick you up. You are still there eh?” he paused to listen

“Fine then. We will be there in 5” tossing the phone to Lara, he nods at her to hang up. Alex already did

***********************************************************************************

Kissing her for the first time. All the reluctance she had imagined in her head melted away and she soon found herself responding to his skillful delving tongue. Seems he was searching for something he lost inside he mouth. Oh there it was. He found and latched onto her tongue mimicking a gentle sucking, like a baby on his first try of his mother’s milk. His alternate sucking on her tongue and biting gently on her lips began to awaken something she thought she had lost deep down inside her. She held onto his shoulders weakly and swore to herself never to lose the elusive feeling. He pulled away abruptly and she cried out sharply opening her eyes. She hadn’t even realized they had drifted close.

Purring like a kitten holding out for more warm milk, she reaches for his collar as she makes to pull him back into her space. He comes willingly and they continue a deep exploration of tongue, lips and teeth. Pop! Pop! Pop! Zip! Divesting each other of unnecessary fabrics, they cling to each other feverishly running his hands over her pert breasts and curvaceous buttocks simultaneously. Pausing to admire him in the dim light of the kitchen, she could not believe he was naked beneath her palms. All 5”11 of gorgeous hulk.

Lifting her onto the marble counter, it felt cold on her back. He bends over, places a fleeting kiss on her flat stomach, splatters some more on his trip down to his place of worship, nips playfully on her inner thigh enjoying her response before moving centerfold to pay tribute to her womanliness. Her hand digs into his thick hair, she arches her back, her lips part slightly to allow a strangled moan escape. It seemed all this while, her talents had been hibernating. He flicks his tongue again, lightly grazing his teeth on her tiny nub and she moans deeply mumbling his name epileptically. She was this close to the gates of heaven. Then he stopped. She almost fainted. Guiding her to the edge of the counter with her weave spilling all over her chest and shoulders, randomly shielding her breast, he groans, dipping his head to capture one of her nipples in his warm mouth teasing her mercilessly until she clung to him weakly. He could barely hear her begging. Her sex voice was so husky and low it was fuel to his drive.

She was purring in earnest now as she lay on the front seat. The driver looked ahead, targeted one of the few potholes he could find and rushed into it. The impact jolted her awake to find the driver looking at her askance. ‘Dang! Twas just a stupid wasteful dream’

“You okay?” he asked

“Yea sure. Ain’t we at the Sand bar yet?”, she asked casually.

If you enjoyed this episode of LWT, please drop a comment to let the writer know and to encourage this series…….. Thankee

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LIES WOMEN TELL #6

Episode #6

arrrrrrrrrgh! I want to scream endlessly. What am I going to write this week! aarrgh!

Entwined in each other’s arms, spent. Dele caressed a hip while she reflected.

“Sit down. Daddy we are waiting for you”, she called.

“You see, Dele cannot marry before I say so. He is not ready and I cannot feed him, feed his wife and feed a baby too. What if you get pregnant immediately. No, he is not ready”

Smiling wistfully, she glances at Dele willing him to counter his mother. He stared blankly.

“Dele won’t you say something?”

“No! I have nothing to say”, came the response.

“Really?”

“There is nothing to say now. What do you want me to say?”

“Alright”, he said, turning to his parents, “Thank you. I have heard all you said”, she added, seething inside because it appeared his dad was just there as a prop. His mother had taken the unanimous decision and nothing it seemed would change it.

Returning to the present, she wondered if Dele was in limbo when his mother made that announcement which had rocked her entire being. She wondered if he thought his mum saw him as ‘ready’ now and would give her consent. She had cried bitterly for days, trying to make him man up and convince his mum but he would not listen to her arguments only to suddenly feel in his head that they were going to get married. She would clear his doubts. She had chalked it up to a bad investment of time, body, emotions and money and decided to look somewhere else for ‘marriage’. However, the sex was great, she was holding on like a little monkey.

******************************************************************************************

Somewhere back in Maitama, Malik was pacing a narrow, white corridor worrying if his mother was going to survive this attack. She was asthmatic. He had tried to tell her countless times to always carry her inhaler with her. She had never been able to determine what triggers her episodes. It appeared everything and nothing could bring on an attack. Fortunately, God compensates people in different ways. Her episodes although very severe, sometimes necessitating hospitalization, were few and far in between. She had been in the bathroom when this particular episode came on. The maid had been waiting for her to give her money for some errand. When she had failed to make a timely exit from the bathroom, the maid had wandered closer and heard the strange wheezing sound. That, coupled with Malik’s arrival for his every Friday visit was the saving grace for the old woman. His mother was all he had and he always made it known to all that cared that she was his ‘alpha and omega’.

His mind began to wander to the day’s activities, and Lara, when the door opened and he spotted the white lab coat.

“You are still here? Incredulous!”. He blinked, trying to gather himself some comportment.

I told you she would be fine. Its not as bad as her last episode. We have placed her on oxygen and some medication. She will stay for a couple of days and we will discharge her” the doctor informed

“Oxygen! and you say she is fine. Doctor, please tell me truly how she is. Is she awake? Has she said anything yet?” he was anxious

“Be calm Mr. Abdullahi. Your mother will be fine. You brought her just in time. The oxygen is just so she does not stress her lungs. So that she can rest easily. She will be fine. You should go home and get some sleep”

“No. I will stay at the reception. If by morning she opens her mouth and says something, I will agree she will be fine and go home”

“Aren’t you working tomorrow? How would your business fare?

“Haba Doc! That’s not going anywhere fa. I can’t put business ahead of my mother o”,h e replied, trying to be as cheery as possible.

If he was correctly reading her, Lara would presume he had rushed home to be with his wife. He had not bothered explaining to her because his heart had been in his throat. It was all he could do not to have screamed in frustration at the time it would take him in the traffic to get to her side. He was relieved she was going to be okay as he headed to the reception to wait till morning. The maid was stretched across one of the arm chairs drooling saliva from the corner of her mouth. “The poor girl got a fright today“, he thought as he made to sit. He didn’t blame her if she passed out so ungraciously. He was thankful she had enough sense to take the initiative and call him immediately instead of trying to play heroine with his mother’s life. He would not have forgiven her despite the intention.

******************************************************************************************

Drifting off into sleep, the last thing on her mind was Malik. Wondering if he would call her in the morning or if she should call him first. Debating the merits of waiting for his call, she fell into a deep sleep.

‘What wonderful melodies were this in dreamland today she thought as she dreamt of Usher’s Good kisser. It ceased abruptly and she continued walking down an unfamiliar street”

Dele looked at the phone ringing, noticed it was stored as ‘Malik plane’ and turned away

*****************************************************************************************

She didn’t pick up. Was she asleep already? Wanting to apologize for his attitude in the afternoon, he had not considered that she may be asleep already. It was 11pm. He would just drive straight to her friend’s place in the morning when he goes home for a change of clothes and apologize in person he told himself as he settled for the night.

******************************************************************************************

“Baby why are you awake? Are you worrying about something again?” Lara queried.

“No”, he replied and added a sigh.

“What’s the time?”

Three a.m”

“So why are you awake at three in the morning if you are not worrying? What is it?”, she managed to sit up and hold him.

He responed with another deep sigh.

“What do I say to this little liar of mine? Should I tell her Malik called and watch her eyes glaze over in search of a defensive lie or should I tell her about Dapo going for study in Malaysia to toy with her temper or should I just tell her what I’m really worrying about – getting married to her?”

He smiled at her and pulled her into a tight embrace. For all her lies, he could not fault that she was a caring, giving person. She would sit up with him during his black spells. No, he could not fault her totally.

If I’m going to marry this girl though, we better have a talk about these ‘cute’ little lies she keeps telling under the impression that I’m ignorant of the true happenings. But where do I start addressing the issue?…”

Realizing she was still waiting for him to tell her what was bothering him, he wasn’t sure where to begin

“I love you”

“I love you too but what’s bothering you this time?” she persists

“Dapo wants to go to Malaysia”

“And donate his kidney or what?”

He looks at her sideways. “No, na to donate his liver”, he hisses and they both laugh. She knew how to help his anxiety and he could laugh with her no matter what was bothering him.

“He wants to go for a Masters degree in Business Accounting. I wanted to talk to you about it first before signing the check”

“Me? talk to me first, why?”

“Because I want to know how you feel about it”

“Seriously, is this what kept you awake at three in the morning?, she exclaimed“He is your brother and it is your money. What did you think I would say about this? If you think it is a good idea, of course he should go then. You would know what is best”

Studying her face quietly.

“I didn’t stay awake to ask you because I couldn’t decide if it was a good idea. You won’t allow me finish before you start speaking”, he said, trying hard to hide his irritation. He paused and faced her squarely,

“I told you about it because I was thinking we should do our wedding by November this year but if I sign the check, I would be short of cash and November won’t happen. So, I’m asking you to know if November is what you want or you can wait till early next year” . He went quiet, waiting for her to speak.

This was her chance and she grabbed it without stalling-“Oh! Baby, you should let your brother go to school. I can wait till next year. I’m not going anywhere” she said, rubbing his back.

“You will tell me all about it in the morning on your way to work. let’s sleep now” she suggested. Spooning as close as possible, he finally lets himself go to sleep chased by $650 checks.

YOUR CRAZY HABIT……is driving me crazy….

hiss – hiss – pause – sigh – hiss – chuckle

hiss – hiss – chuckle – pause – sigh – sigh

short laugh – hiss – hiss – chuckle – hiss

monologue – hiss – hiss – sigh – sigh – hiss

chuckle – sigh – hiss – hiss -short laugh – monologue

Bipolar or Schizophrenia? I can’t decide.

After spending 10 hours in the same space with someone doing the above for 7 straight hours, I am uncertain what their diagnosis should be. If all you are going to do more than half of the night is sigh, hiss – hiss, chuckle, short monologue (No! No!), laugh (creepy laugh) – without actual dialogue accompanying either of these actions, successfully keeping another person awake for a whole night, then you need help.

According to the National Institute of Mental Health, Bipolar disorder is a brain disorder causing unusual shifts in mood, energy, activity levels, and the ability to carry out day-to-day tasks. symptoms are severe but can be treated. Genetics, Brain structure & Functioning have been identified as responsible for this disorder. While symptoms may include extreme depression bordering on suicide or high excitement. They may have manic thoughts of harming themselves or committing suicide. Perhaps Boko Haram members are Bipolar. hmmmn

John Grohol, CEO of Psych Central says that schizophrenia is common in men than women and consists of hallucinations and delusions away from logical thought. There is no reasoning with such people as the opposite of logic is what their brain insists on. Perhaps, some of us can relate to this with the men around us (I didn’t say it!).

Fortunately, both are treatable and Grohol suggests Schizophrenia is less common than Bipolar disorder. If you feel or know anyone thinking of harming themselves, help by reporting somebody that can help immediately.

Be responsible – see a doctor. Do not allow your mental status affect people around you enough for them to look at you sideways. Mental illness can be managed with drugs and monitoring. If you take charge and are responsible for your health, illness is not going to dictate your life. Take your life back.

This is my opinion. What is your experience with mental illness?

LIES WOMEN TELL EPISODE #5

“Good evening broda”

“Evening Dapo. Come inside”

“Did you cook anything? am hungry” he announces

“Do I look like a woman? You can stop at the eatery when you leave” Dele replies suggesting one good reason for Dapo not to sleep over

“So, let’s do this quick. You wanted to see me about something……….”

“Yes. something quite important too”

Settling into the couch opposite each other, Dele suddenly notices his brother is carrying a folder. “What is that you are holding? Have you brought money for me? I could really use some y’knw”

“Hmmn same here. That’s what I actually came to see you about. I would like to go to Malaysia for an MSc in Business Accounting. John Brown University has offered me an unconditional admission. I just need to pay a deposit of $650 to secure my seat in class” he gushes. He was not really skilled with approaching money issues or so he kept telling himself but for this, he was ready to stick his foot everywhere including his mouth.

He was watching Dele carefully digest, weigh and select his response. It won’t be long in coming now – the verdict – Dele would pronounce .

“Why Malaysia?”

Dapo was startled out of his reverie and was looking puzzled at the question.

“Why Malaysia?” he echoes dazedly “I was thinking you would ask why John Brown and not “why Malaysia” grumbling

“Why John Brown is not a question for me to ask. Your admission officer is responsible for that question and it is safe to assume you were able to convince him that’s why we are having this discussion.”

“‘Am asking you ‘Why Malaysia’ because that is what the officer at the embassy will ask during your Visa interview. However, seeing you don’t even know the answer yourself, there is no point to this discussion………excuse me while I go do something with my time” he stands to his feet with his brother’s mouth slack-jawed and almost hitting the ground

Dapo immediately joins Dele on his feet simultaneously grabbing his arm and trying to pull him back into the couch as he opens his mouth  to form a response.

“I am not exactly sure what you want me to say to that question”

“I am sorry sir but your visa has been denied. Please feel free to reapply or appeal if you disagree with the interview result” Dele intones in a high-sounding ‘visa-officer-wanna-be-voice’

“No. No. No. I mean I don’t know what exactly to say” Dapo tries to correct himself

“That’s also fine sir. You may return when you are sure of yourself. Denied” Dele goes off again

Dapo finally catching unto his big brother’s game, realizes his forward thinking brother has already approved and is fast-tracking to his visa interview to the one question in his opinion which swings the interview to a ‘Approved’ or a ‘Denied’. His big brother has so much faith in him. He wasn’t even questioning his motive. He was now confident knowing his brother believed he could do this.

“It could have been the United States, Europe or somewhere else, but I choose Malaysia because of the large student body from Nigeria already there so I won’t feel out of place. I also chose Malaysia because the quality of education is above standard and an MSc in Business Accounting will be recognized along sides an MSc from any school in Europe or even America.” feeling confident with himself now at the look on his brother’s face, he smiles and decides to remind Dapo about the money. He seems to have forgot that part  “Besides, I will be spending so much on this education, I appreciate that I will be getting my money’s worth so I can do something valuable with the degree besides securing a good position when I return to Nigeria.”

Dapo’s smile falters a bit. Yes, he had gotten excited and forgotten about the financial part. How cute of Dele to remind him like that.

“Please return in 2 weeks for your visa. Approved. Come on Thursday”

“Thank you sir” barely able to contain his excitement. Does this translate into Dele giving him a cheque by next week thursday? what exactly did that mean or was that just the end of the mock-drama? He would soon find out he told himself.

******************************************************************************************

Lara finishes bathing, throws on the tiny sheath Dele hangs in his wardrobe for her visits and started downstairs thinking Dapo must have left considering the length of time she spent in the bathroom. She is stuck somewhere in between the staircase and the foyer where both men would be able to see her clearly. The conversation had proved interesting thus far so she stayed out of sight, listening. Riotous thoughts ran through her head.

“So Dele was going to finance this thing to Malaysia where it is said that students do not focus on their studies but get into drugs, into trouble with drug barons, club all week and donate their kidneys to pay up their drug debts”

Shaking her head to clear it of the traitorous thought, she says to herself instead “Is this where Dele wants to send this boy? He didn’t even question his motive!”

They were speaking again “If he is fine with his brother losing a kidney, then am not going to lose sleep over it” she shrugs and continues eavesdropping as the men resume their discussion.

******************************************************************************************

“I will think about your proposal even though it seems it is a win-win for you” Dele resumes

“Uhh?” Dapo swallows

“Oh! you expect I have the money in the top drawer of my bedroom and will just walk in and waltz out and hand it over to you?” He laughs a rare deep bellied laugh

“My friend, things do not happen that way in the real world okay? I will think about it, look through my finances, discuss with Lara since you know we plan to get married soon too and see how much we can squeeze ourselves” He is looking distractedly into space now as he continues to list things to be considered in this venture. Dapo’s face had closed off at the mention of Lara. He just couldn’t understand why his brother had to bring her into this “They were not even married yet” hiss

Dele is oblivious to to Dapo’s annoyance.

“I would call mum and ask her what she wants me to do in this matter. We would have to find a good time for you to tell me what your plans are with this degree, etc. Just leave the folder on the table here so I an go through it and we can talk afterwards” He tries to soften his voice

“Fine” Dapo was obviously still annoyed. It will be good if he travelled after the wedding to give both Lara and himself time away from all these. Perhaps, by the time he returned, he would have matured enough to accept her.

******************************************************************************************

“Married!”

“We are getting married!” incredulously

“We discussed this already and I agreed? When did he even ask me!”

“Married eh?”Lara snorts as she flees back upstairs. This discussion was over anyway. She would re-enter and pretend she was just stepping out of the bathroom.

******************************************************************************************

The front door closes and the vibration runs through the door frame as Dele folds into a straight back beside the door allowing everything he was holding fall to the ground as he rubs his eyes tiredly.

‘Bills! Bills! Bills! always a new bill. Just when he thought he was done paying for everything in his family and can now concentrate on planning a wedding party with his beloved…….his brother wants to go to Malaysia and sample drugs plus donate a kidney!”

“This must be another harebrained scheme with the help of that scatterbrained friend of Dapo’s whose name does not even worth remembering. I need to talk to mama. I have told her to keep her son away from that boy. Dapo must really think am stupid. Malaysia indeed! And now, he has succeeded in ruining my libido for tonight. I just hope Lara didn’t hear any of this and has simply fallen asleep after waiting for me.” looking at the face of his illuminated watch ‘just 10pm’ he groans realizing there was no way Lara was asleep already. He didn’t wanna have this discussion or touch a woman this night.

Ascending the stairs, he whistles softly. Lara hears him coming, quickly picks up her hairbrush and pretends to be combing out her weave with a smile plastered across her face. ‘Getting married eh? I will show him getting married’ she promises

He walks in. She is wearing ‘the sheath’. She must not have heard anything that went on downstairs. He is a bit relieved.

“Hey love” he calls out

“Hey sweets. I just stepped out of the bathroom” she says as he wraps his arms around her

“Really?” he intones dryly noticing her body was as warm as his and dry too. ‘My little liar’ he thinks. How does someone step out of a bath warm and dry! His little love and her tiny lies. He smiles into her hair burying his nose into her coconut scent. He wa beginning to feel something stir in his trousers. ‘was it just the coconut or was it the little lies that turned his on every time?’ he would worry about that later because he was not sure he could fathom why she was always dropping meaningless lies every time she opened her mouth.

Turning to meet his questing mouth, they walk slowly towards the huge kingsized bed, she sinks her back slowly into it, opening her arms to welcome him as he hurriedly separates himself from his clothing. They both momentarily forget the lie between them.

HE DOESN’T KNOW : CULTURE & LITERACY

This happened many years back. Almost 10 years now and although it still makes me smile, not in jest anymore as I understand the value of cultural literacy in all its glory.

My cousin was getting married. yaay! We all were traveling to my hometown, Offa in Kwara State, Nigeria for the ceremony. It was going to be a large affair with over 500 guests. The couple are kids of quite popular families – a former business mogul and a high ranking chief.

As part of the groom’s family, we would be traveling from the northern part of Nigeria, Zaria in Kaduna state to be precise. We had been residing in a small community of native Hausa speakers who are mostly farmers and uneducated. The norm was to play truancy up till primary 5 or 6 and quit school or not even attend at all.

Throwing out an open invitation to interested neighbors, my Uncle however, still plays the diplomat with this arrangement by giving seat on the bus to people he decides would foster goodwill for him in the community. Did I fail to mention? Yes, there was a bus to convey people to Offa which explains how Muri got a seat on the bus.

The journey itself was uneventful however, during on the morning of the wedding, as is the custom to feed all your guests, my Uncle outdid himself in the food department. There was tea, bread, yam, scrambled eggs, and pap. Young boys love to eat more than girls and young boys visiting a new culture apparently love to try every dish or a combination if they could get away with it. The Nigerian food culture encourages eating large quantities at once because you can not determine where the next meal would come – eat while you can.

Muri requested Yam with scrambled eggs and received a plate heaped high. He also got a huge jug of tea to go with it. He proceeded to dig in. By the time he was halfway through the plate, his eggs were still a mile high but he kept on. Soon, he was done with the yams but some of his eggs were still sitting on the plate. His tea was almost finished too. He looked at the eggs and at the tea. He decided he could only swallow a single portion before his stomach would rebel and attempt to regurgitate. He looks some more and decides to combine both portions eggs to reduce the quantity he needs to consume.

Which is exactly what he did. Scrambled eggs found themselves inside the cup of remaining tea, he stirs the mixture with his fork, lifts the cup to his mouth, take a sip and am wondering what he must have been thinking swallowing such vileness! Everyone was openly staring at him at this point wondering where we had dug up such a barbarian. He ignored them, drank it all, held it down, got up, dusted his trousers and walked away whistling. He did not feel anything untoward in his behaviour.

My uncle’s compound was humming with the news in 5 seconds.

“Did you see what happened?”

“No. what?”

“One aboki poured his eggs into his tea and drank it”

“huh!”

“Did you hear? One of the mallams that came with them from Zaria, threw his eggs away, poured fried eggs in his tea and drank it” and this was how the tale got to me

“That can’t be true”

“It is. I hear that is how they drink tea in the North”

“No now. How can you think that way. Is there anywhere in Nigeria that is done!”

“If that’s not how they do it, why did he do it then?” the talebearer queries

“Because he is an illiterate and does not know any better. Because he lacks the appropriate food culture that would tell him what to do if your eggs is left over after eating your yams”

He doesn’t know better. He is culturally illiterate. He does not have such meals in his house back in Zaria. Look at him. Does he look like he realizes he committed a social error? No. Well, that’s because he doesn’t know.

LIES WOMEN TELL Episode #4

Episode #4

Arriving Dele’s office, he resumes auto-pilot, ordering everyone around as if he never left before disappearing into his office slamming the door shut.

Lara lingers at the reception desk to chat with the nice girl who sits there.

“Hey girl!”

“Hello ma”

“How have you been? It’s been a while”

“Four months three days” came the automated response

“Right. Even your boss can’t be as accurate as you.  How is the work going? Hope you are having fun while you can?”she inquires while the receptionists looks at her askance as if to say “How is that possible with the kind of boss we have!” but she says nothing only smiles.

“Does your boss still work late as usual or he has repented?”

“He still works late. He asks me to go ahead sometimes and he locks up afterwards”

“No strange visitors anymore?” Lara presses and at the careful look on the girl’s face, she pushes more “Is it that same lady I met in his office the last time?”

“No. No. That one has stopped coming here” the girl hisses “It’s just one woman from a different department that comes to see Oga before closing time. Then Oga will ask me to close before him and he locks up”

“I see.” Contemplating “Tell me Anna. Is three months too much to be away from a partner? because I don’t understand these our men these days”

Anna opens her mouth to reply the rhetorical question when the phone on her desk rings.

“Oga” she mouths at Lara

“Yessir. She is here sir. okay sir” handing the phone over to Lara “he wants to speak to you”

“Ain’t you gonna come in?” came the low voice

“Coming….” she began to reply but he had hung up

She shook her head, gathered up her purse and waved at Anna as she sashayed towards the closed door at the end of the hall. She knocked once and went inside.

Smiling at the man buried behind a pile of paperwork simultaneously reaching for the phone on his desk. He was always so busy once he stepped inside this building. It is as if a demon possessed him once he crossed the threshold into the building and they start bringing all their demonic demands to keep him occupied until closing time. He barely has the time to chat, laugh or entertain her once he was inside this office which was why she had to occupy herself with other pursuits or fathom ways to keep him longer at home each morning. She smiled again as he finished his call. He was yet to acknowledge her presence. She knew it wasn’t deliberate but she detested to be ignored so.

Reaching into her purse for her Blackberry, she chuckles to her phone as she begins replying her messages. This she was sure would get his attention. He was so selfish, he could ignore her while he buried himself in his work but once she picked up her phone he would go jealous like all the fiends of hell were reaching out of the phone to claim her away.

“aha! there you are. You know i don’t like you ignoring me for so long. Who are you smiling at on your phone again? Hope it isn’t one of those boys who do not know what to do with their time but to be harassing my wifey.” he starts

“You are too busy to have my time so am occupying myself” she her calm reply

“That’s not true. I just had a few emails to reply and a couple of stuff to sign then am all yours but come here first and greet me properly” he gives her his full attention

She sighs, stands up from the comfy sofa she was occupying and crosses the short distance towards Dele. He reaches out, pulls her closer bringing her to his knees. She lifts his glasses off his face as she buries her hands in his lush afro. They remain like this for a second before simultaneously closing the space between their faces.

The chemistry was electric. Only the knowledge of being in the office plus her tight pants that put a check in their fast spiral towards insanity.

He stops abruptly as he reopens the space between them. Fortunately, he had heard the discreet knock on the door. She hadn’t. He buries his head in her flat tummy mumbling “this is what you do to me” as they both try to regain leveled breathing. She finally disentangles her fingers from his hair patting it down.

Running her hands through her hair while he helps her straighten her clothes, he clears his throat as she returns to the sofa across the room.

“Come in” he calls out as the door opens to reveal a tall dark lady. Glancing suspiciously into the room as she walks in.

“Good evening” She says to Lara as she moves closer to Dele’s desk

“Hello Dele” not bothering to hear Lara’s mumbled response

“I am on my way home and wanted to say goodnight. Did you see the general memo the chairman sent during lunch?”

“Esther, I’d like you to meet Lara my fiancee. Lara, Esther is the chairman’s daughter and she has been so helpful. Remember how I told you she likes to take care of me on your behalf? Bringing me lunch and even early dinners sometimes” Dele made brief introductions

Lara quick to the cue “Oh! Good evening Esther. Allow me to say a big thank you for taking care of my man while I was away. I must say you are doing a good job” she chuckles “You should allow me thank you properly by inviting you to dinner at the house one of these days before I return to Lagos”

Flustered and not as fast on her feet as she’d like, Esther could barely put together a coherent response. She hadn’t expected Lara to act so friendly and not feel threatened. What wasn’t Dele telling her. Were they engaged already? Even if they were? Or has Lara tied Dele in her clutches she acts so confident no other woman could lure him away. She smiles.

“Thank you Lara. I should take you up on that offer one of these days.”

“I will see myself out. Enjoy your evening.”

“Thank you. we will” Lara answers for both of them as Dele was once more buried in desk work and hardly paid them any mind.

Lara smiled a secret smile. 1-0. She and Esther knew she had won this round and they were both going to retreat and sharpen their claws for whenever the next round may be which both women were determined to win and Lara was certain not to concede.

So, Esther has designs on my man and Dele as expected is oblivious to the fact. That blab mouth Anna is good for this place. The heads-up she gave me was invaluable. Allowed me not to be taken totally unawares. I must remember to give her money for her t-fare on our way out. She was smiling at him steadily now secured in the knowledge that he was all hers to do with as she desired. She however couldn’t let Anna believe her tips and clues were totally useless. She had facilitated Anna’s employment. Anna was her eye in this office but all she truly needed her for, was to watch Dele. A woman couldn’t ever be too careful even with a seemingly clueless man like him. Even a clueless one is still a man when he wants to be. Thankfully, he did not have crazy friends that he was close to. Most of his friends were always busy like him if not more that was why she could afford to stay away 3 months a stretch. She needed to break that routine. She told herself firmly as he finally looks up smiling his heartwarming smile at her. He was her sunshine man.

“Lets go home” he says getting up in one fluid motion as she gathers up her purse and jacket without arguing.  Getting to the reception, Lara moves closer to the girl and neatly palms her the cash for her transport mouthing “thank you Anty”.

“Anna am closing for the day. please remember to lock my office when you leave”

“Yessir”

He was always so efficient, her Dele. He looked at her and winked. She knew what that meant and she smiled back enthusiastically. She was in for one long night of bliss thankfully, today was a Friday.

As he backed out of the drive, her phone began to ring. She silently prayed it was not Malik because that would be disastrous. It was her girlfriend in Kubwa. With all the fun she was having, she had totally forgot to call ahead and let her know she would not be coming home tonight. Her friend must have cooked dinner and would be furious to have it waste.

“Hello” Lara says carefully

“You are not coming home tonight eh?” Came the sharp attack

“Am sorry. Many things happened and I forgot to call to let you know. Am so sorry. Hope you had not cooked dinner yet?” trying to explain

“You will always have an excuse. I always tell you let me know.” she grumbled

“Am sorry. I’ll tell you all about it when we see” she persuaded

“Alright. say hi to Dele for me”

“I’ll tell him. bye”

“Bye”

“My friend says hi”

“Am saying hi too” they both laugh. She couldn’t understand it but both of them never could stay in the same room without exploding after barely five minutes.

He begins ravishing her from the moment he turns the ignition off. That was the way with them. it was only Dele that had ever succeeded in taking her to heights of ecstasy. He knew exactly where to touch, kiss, stroke and press to make her beg to jump out of her skin. He was her sensuous nerd. The truth was that each moan from her drove him crazier and made him want to crush the whole slim length of her underneath him. He was suddenly impatient with all the frills of her attire and barely restrained himself from ripping them off her.

Both staggering indoors still kissing and touching each other, he had left their jacket in the car along with her purse and his briefcase. Oh well! the car keys were in the front pocket of his pant.

She wasn’t even sure how they got the front door unlocked. They were still kissing and struggling with each other’s clothes as they approached the plush rug they both knew was behind her.

Suddenly, they heard a car pull up to the gate and honk twice. Long honks. It was as if he received an electric shock.

“Shit! I totally forgot Dapo was coming over tonight” He throws out casually

It was as if someone had thrown cold water on her face. Of all the days to come over. She didn’t get along well with his only brother even though Dele was older than him. She felt the boy looks at her like she had something dirty on her and just couldn’t wait to get proof. He looked like he was perpetually sneering and waiting for the other shoe to drop. Here was one she had to be careful with.

They listen as the gate opens and Dapo drives in. He pulls her in for one last lingering kiss

“Postponed. We will finish this soon without further interruptions”

“Promise?”

He kisses her fully on the lips “there’s your promise” he replies as he watches her walks upstairs to clean up and prepare for later. Now, he had to find a way to finish with his brother fast and with as little suspicion as possible so he won’t get it in his head to sleep over. He opened the door as Dapo raises his hands to knock.