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Why I hate my NEIGHBOR(S)

I live in Festac town, 101 road close to this new annoying hotel – Newton and I hate my neighbors. I know it is not a very nice thing to say about other people, but if you had to live with them too, you would come to share similar compliments for them.

First, allow me to describe the house I live in. 101 rd is a close like all Festac houses got planned in the ’70s and it is somewhere in the nether regions of Festac. It is at the extreme, forgotten, where no one likes to visit. Infact, most people don’t know anyone who lives there. Anyway, I live here but how that came to be is a story for another day. The house I live in, lets call it a compound. The compound has a large parking space that never seems enough for the tenants. There are eight flats in the compound, mostly occupied by Easterners (the crux of the matter).

I and my next door neighbor downstairs are the only westerners. However, I decided he is one of them since his wife is actually an easterner. Aha! I believe he may be the nicest if he actually brought his nose down out of the clouds.

Then, there is this annoying, annoying man that lives directly above me whom I suspect must be into something nasty like ferrying cocaine pellets in his anus. Why else would he have no known job, walk as if he had something up his pants, return home 1am everyday to wake me up with his annoyingly loud generator (as if na me send PHCN work) and throw down used prophylactics behind my window. I dey really wait to treat that guy fu**up(pardon my French). I am usually drawn to people but I dislike pokenosey people and especially when they are men. The first day I met this guy, what he said to me was “are your brothers out? when will they be back?” I wanted to set him straight there and then like “Dude, why not sit here and watch the gate for them! Am not their time-keeper!” Meanwhile, what the silly man really wanted to know was if the said males were my brothers or not. Ridiculousness!

Next thing I knew, he was knocking on my bedroom door early the next morning. I was startled at first until I realized it was him. Then, I was mad. Thirty minutes later, I was in the bathroom and he was at my bedroom door again and am like “Fool! there are two other doors to this apartment. How about you actually find one that isn’t my bedroom door before I slam you with a rape attempt suit!” I bet the wife he squirrelled away somewhere in Europe would very much like to hear about the different ladies he brings home at night. Well, now you can see why we don’t slap hands and hug.

Then, there are the loud boors directly in front of my apartment who are so loud everyday, they wake me up with rap music before my wake-up time. The only consolation I get was a few days ago when an aunt lost some money in the house and was trying to bring down the decking that I was spared rap that morning(not that I don’t play rap music myself though). She went like this “Nobody is going anywhere in this house until I find my $200. Who took my money in this house?” I am not ashamed to say that I was happy at the quiet that morning. Plus, they also play that silly thing men play on their TVs and they yell a lot when they do it too. I think they call those stupid games for grown men PSP/video games.

Next, there are the girls who walk almost naked all over the compound, right to the front of my apartment to spread out and break my clothesline because they broke all the clothesline on their side already. They are annoying too.

There is also the scary-witchlike (don’t ask me what a witch looks like. you know them when you see them) grandma that lives in the apartment above and across from the annoying-generator-at night guy. This woman never goes anywhere (which can’t really be possible). Anyway, she is always there when I am spreading clothes on the line and she doesn’t ever say anything. She just creeps me out staring at the back of my head like she doesn’t approve. I never say ‘hello’ to her because I am not sure she won’t respond with fire from her mouth. That’s how much she scares me.

In addition, there is the apartment that has too many kids in my compound. They have just two boys but I think that is too many kids if you can’t control them and all they do is run around when they are at home, break other people’s stuff and scream a lot. Those kids would annoy you too if you had a bad night and was trying to make up for it during the day or if you were simply trying to get some work done around the house. They are in dire need of a long switching.

I can’t remember who is left out but basically, those are the major irritations in the compound and I have come to the conclusion that living with Easterners must be a very very dense and insane thing to do if you are not an Eastener yourself because their way of life is simply, simply not compatible with mine what with loud rap in the AM, creeping in late at night, knocking on my bedroom door, generators starting up at 2am, kids trying to break whatever stuff you leave outside your apartment, and loud boors being loud.

I have tried my best but I know that I really cant stand these loudness………